An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food great.
Y'ken", said the Scotsman, "I still like the pubs back 'ome. In Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much, that when you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth for yer."
"Well", said the Englishman, "At one's local, the Mason's Arms, the barman there will buy one's third drink after one buys the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nuthin," said Paddy the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, dere's Ryan's Bar. Now t' moment you set foot in d' place they'll buy yer a drink, then 'nother, then 'nother - all the drinks you loike. Den when you've had enough drinks, dey'll take you upstairs and see t'at yer get laid. All on t'house!"
"We don't believe it," said the Englishman and the Scot, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Weeeel, not meself, personally, no," said Paddy. "But it did happen to me sister."
BEST LAWYER STORY
In Charlotte, North Carolina USA, a lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued - and WON!
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. Nevertheless, the judge stated that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.
Now for the best part!
After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON.
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
WHAT THE FUCK
Denial - I didn't fucking do that.
Perplexity - I know fuck-all about it.
Apathy - Who gives a fuck?
Greetings - How the fuck are you?
Resignation - Fuck it.
Derision - He fucked up.
Suspicion - Who the fuck are you?
Panic - Let's get the fuck out of here.
Directions - Fuck off!
Question - How in the fuck?
What the fuck was that? - Mayor of Hiroshima
Where did those fucking Indians come from? - General Custer
Where the fuck is that water coming from? - Captain of the Titanic
That's not a real fucking gun. - John Lennon
Who is fucking well going to find out? - Richard Nixon
Heads are fucking going to roll over this. - Henry VIII
The fucking throttle's stuck. - Donald Campbell
Is that fucking petrol I can smell? - Niki Lauda
Every fucker knows that. - Albert Einstein
You want "what" painted on the fucking ceiling? - Michelangelo
Fuck a duck! - Walt Disney
Why? Because it's fucking there, that's why! - Sir Edmund Hillary
Where the fuck are we? - Amelia Earhart
I hope it fucking rains soon. - Joan of Arc
Scattered showers my fucking arse. - Noah
It does SO fucking look like her! - Picasso
How the fuck did you work that out? - Pythagorus's assistant
I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head! - JFK
Aw, c'mon, who the fuck is going to find out? - Bill Clinton
I didn't think they'd get that fucking mad! - Saddam Hussein
Rod Marsh and Ian Botham
When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words:
"So how's your wife and my kids?"
The reply from Botham was, "My wife's fine, your kids are retarded".
Daryll Cullinan and Shane Warne
As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he'd been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him.
Cullinan: "And it looks like you spent it eating".
Glenn McGrath (to portly Zimbabwean Eddo Brandes
"Hey Eddo, why are you so fucking fat?"
Eddo: "Because everytime I fuck your mother, she throws me a biscuit".
Robin Smith and Merv Hughes
During 1989 Lords Test, Hughes said to Smith after he played and missed:"
You can't fucking bat!"
Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary:
"Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't fucking bat and you can't fucking bowl!"
Merv Hughes and Javed Miandad
During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed.
Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman, "Tickets please!."
Merv Hughes and Viv Richards
During a test match in the West Indies, Merv didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries.
Viv: "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl."
Merv didn't reply, but after he bowled him he said "In my culture we just say fuck off."
Ian Healy and Arjuna Ranatunga
Ian Healy's legendary comment picked up by Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney.
"Hey, you don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat cunt!!!"
James Ormond and Mark Waugh
James Ormond had just come out to bat on an Ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh.
Mark: "Fuck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here? There's no way you're good enough to play for England."
James: "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family!"
McGrath and Ramnaresh Sarwan
McGrath to Sarwan, "So what does Brian Lara's dick taste like?"
Sarwan, "I don't know. Ask your wife."
McGrath (losing it), "If you ever fucking mention my wife again, I'll fucking rip your fucking throat out!"
Mark Waugh and Adam Parore
Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player Adam Parore comes to the crease, plays and misses the first ball.
Mark: Oh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were shit then, you're fucking useless now".
Adam: Yeah, that's me and when I was there, you were going out with that old, ugly slut and now I hear you've married her. You dumb cunt!"
Ian Healy and chubby batsman Arjuna Ranatunga
Shane Warne was trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease, wondering what it took to get the plump character to come forward and drive.
Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, "Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."
Ravi Shastri and an Aussie 12th man
Shastri hits it to this guy and looks for a single.
The 12th man gets the ball in and says "If you leave the crease, I'll break your fucking head"
Shastri: "If you could bat as good as you talk you wouldn't be fucking 12th man!"
Malcolm Marshall and David Boon
Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon, who had played and missed a couple of times.
Marshall, "Now, David, are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"
Fred Trueman to Raman Subba Row
Fred bowls. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip,and right between Raman's legs.
Fred doesn't say a word.
At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly.
Raman: "I should've kept my legs together, Fred".
Fred: "So should your mother."
Three mice are sitting in a bar.
The first mouse took a swig of his beer and said, "I am a bad-ass mouse; I'm so tough that in my neighbourhood we have these big mouse traps. I walk up to them, grab the cheese, catch the bar and press it up and down with one arm while I eat the cheese. I'm a bad ass mouse."
The second mouse took a couple of swigs of his beer and said, "That's nothin'. In my neighbourhood we have that rat poison shit and I grab it and eat it, throw it in my water, gargle it. It ain't nothin'. I am a bad ass mouse."
The third mouse slammed down his beer, got up and started walking away. The other two looked at him and said, "Where are you going?"
The third mouse looked at the other two and said, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."
CHANGE THOSE WORDS
The Washington Post's MENSA Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are some great examples.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido : All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor ( n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. A few examples:
coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
gargoyle, n. olive-flavoured mouthwash.
flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
pokemon, n.. a Rastafarian proctologist.
oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
CALL CENTRE TRAFFIC
These are actual recorded call centre conversations.
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
RAC Motoring Services
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France)
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
Tech Support: " In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
When I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half-dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half-dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider", looking it all over for the barcode so she could scan it.
Not finding the barcode, she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her, "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today".
She said, "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
It makes you wonder how some people survive in this world.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries it's a long walk.
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
I was sitting in my science class when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time.
Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
Police in Radnor Pennsylvania interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
THE HUMOUR OF RODNEY DANGERFIELD
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, but she won't drink from my glass.
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked "Why?" He said "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the sixth one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eatingall that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat."
Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!"
A teacher asked her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She called on little Billy.
He replied, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher stated, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.
Then little Billy said, "I have a question for you. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which little Billy replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
Little Billy returned home from school and said he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asked the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied Billy.
"But that's right!" said his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asked the father.
Billy replied, "That's what I said!"
Little Billy's teacher said, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Billy said " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiled and exclaimed, "Wow little Billy, that's a mouthful.
"Little Billy replied, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, she reluctantly called on little Billy.
He volunteered, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"
Little Billy walked into his Dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of the bed sliding a condom onto his penis
Little Billy's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Billy asked curiously "What ya doing Dad?"
His father quickly replied "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed"
Little Billy replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rockingham City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate"
Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Billy before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Little Billy said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher asked her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland, the teacher's pet, stood up and said, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," said the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, stood up and said, "My grandma says there's a bug going round and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," said the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Billy jumped up and said in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush and my dad says it will take the contagious."
THE CHEQUE ACCOUNT
A crusty old man walked into a bank and said to the teller, "I want to open a fucking cheque account."
The astonished woman replied, "I beg your pardon sir, I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
The man retorted, "Listen up, motherfucker, I said I want to open a fucking cheque account - Now!"
Most incensed, the teller stated, "I am very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank. Please wait one moment."
The teller went over to the bank manager to inform him of the situation. The manager and the teller both returned to the window.
The manager asked the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem?"
"There is no fucking problem," the man said. "I just won 50 million dollars in the fucking lottery and I want to open a fucking cheque account in this fucking bank - Okay?"
"I see," said the manager, "and is this cunt of a teller giving you a hard time?"
A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail; altitude and airspeed are rapidly decreasing. The pilot speaks over the intercom:
"I'm sorry it has to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're going to have to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne."
Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease.
Again the pilot gets on the intercom. "I hate to have to do this, but now we're going to have to start offloading passengers. The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter A."
"Africans, any Africans on board?"
No one answers. "Ok then, B. Black people, any black people?"
Again, silence. "How about C - Coloured people, any coloured people on board?"
A little black boy in the back turns to his mother. "But Momma, ain't we African? Ain't we Black? Ain't we Coloured?'"
His Momma replies, "Yes, son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggas. Let dem Mexicans and Muslims go first."