Iím sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but Iím sticking to my guns.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
Doesnt cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night
Don't take Viagra and iron supplements at the same time.
Every time you get an erection you will spin around and point North.
My wife left me for an Indian guy.
I know that he will treat her well, because I heard that they worship cows.
If you are addicted to masturbation, consult a priest.
He will help you beat it.
What is the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 10,000 people and and a jazz guitarist plays 10,000 chords for 3 people.
I am hosting an event for men who cannot ejaculate.
Please let me know if you can't come.
I wondered why the truck was getting bigger.
And then it hit me.
What's brown and not very heavy?
Comic Sans walked into a bar and ordered a beer.
The bartender said, "We don't serve your type."
My brother adopted a chimpanzee.
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.
What's 300 metres long and has an I!Q of 40?
The queue at Woolworths to buy toilet paper.
Productivity in my company is sky-high.
All of my office staff are quarantined and not allowed to go home.
The real reason that libraries are closing is not to stop the spread of the virus.
Because people short of toilet paper are borrowng books with more than 1000 pages.
Finland has just closed its borders.
Nobody can cross the Finnish line.
WHO AM I?
The following is a recap of my current identity.
I was born white, which makes me a racist.
I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist.
I am heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe.
I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.
I am an Atheist, which makes me an infidel.
I am older than 55, which makes me a useless old man.
I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which makes me a reactionary.
I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive Australian culture, which makes me a xenophobe.
I value my safety and that of my family; therefore I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.
I believe in hard work, fair play and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which makes me anti-social.
I and my friends acquired a good education without student loans or debt, which makes me some kind of odd underachiever.
I believe in the defence and protection of my nation by all citizens, which makes me a militarist.
Please help me come to terms with this, because I'm not sure who I am anymore!
And with all this gender diversity that is being imposed on me, I don't even know which bathroom to use.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times stated: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
Just one week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuck-all. Billi therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."
THE WINDOW ISSUE
A man checked into a hotel with his wife. At 11:30pmm he called the reception. He said, "My wife is threatening to jump out of the window on the 25th floor."
The receptionist said, "Sir, this is a personal matter. I cannot intervene in this. In any case, I am the only night staff here, so you need to deal with it yourself. Except for me and one maintenance guy, there is nobody else here."
The man replied, "You idiot! Do you think that I would ask you to come and handle my personal matters? I am talking about a maintenance issue. The damn window is stuck shut!"
SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congratulations."
But, none of them comes up to the man- touch his penis and say, "Good Job."
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
Forgive your enemy - but always remember the arsehole's name.
If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
All Politicians should wear uniforms like racing drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.
All Politicians should serve only two terms - one term in office and one term in prison.
THIS IS THE END
A husband died and a few years later, the wife died. As she got to heaven, she saw her husband with a gorgeous blonde babe on each arm.
She ran up to him and said, "Oh darling, how I've missed you. Now we can be together again."
The husband replied, "Whoa, hang on there, woman. The marriage contract was until death do us part".
THE DYING POPE
The Pope was dying and nobody knew why. Eventually an eminent British specialist examined the Pope and said, "Your Holiness, all your life you have complied with the requirements of celibacy, but because you have not had sex, your body is rebelling and killing you. You must go and have sex with a woman to restore your body's balance.
The Pope called his Camerlengo and said, "I have been informed that if I do not have sex with a woman, I will die soon. So I have decided that for the good of the Church, I will sacrifice my celibacy. But there are three very strict conditions that this woman has to meet.
The Camerlengo asked, "Your Holiness, what are those conditions?"
The Pope replied, "Firstly and obviously, the woman must be Catholic."
The Camerlengo said, "And what is the second condition?"
The Pope replied, "Very importantly, she must be a virgin, unsullied by another man."
The Camerlengo asked, "And what is the third condition?"
The Pope replied, "Most importantly, she has to have really big tits."
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
It's the start of a brand new day and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
I run like the winded.
I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminium can stuffed with celery?
I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
THE METHOD ACTOR
A guy walked into a pet shop and said, "I need a talking parrot by this Saturday, as I have been cast as a pirate in a big-budget movie."
The pet store owner said, "I have some parrots here, but none that can talk. However, I can get you a really good talking parrot on Monday."
The guy said, "No, that will be too late - I'm having my leg off on Thursday."
THE NEW PILOT
Control Tower: Bravo Echo Mike, can you give me your position?"
Pilot: "Yes, I am next to a cloud that looks like a lion."
Control Tower: Bravo Echo Mike, can you be more specific?"
ALL THE WAY DOWN
A woman went to the doctor and said, "Doc, I think that I'm feeling very low lately. Can you give me something for it?"
The doctor replied, "Certainly miss. Take this testosterone for a couple of weeks and come and see me after that. It should do the trick."
So the woman went off, took the medication and came back to see the doctor.
She said, " Doc, I feel so much better and stronger after taking that medication. But there is a strange side effect. I now have this bushy hair on my chest."
The doctor took a look and said, "Yes, that hair on your chest is very unusual for a woman. How far down does it go?
The woman replied, "All the way down to my balls."
THE MAGIC MIRROR
One day, Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo the Hunchback of Notre Dame were at the pub.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I am the most beautiful in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I am the smallest in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I am the ugliest in the world."
The barman said, "Folks, there's a magic mirror in the next room. Ask it your question and it will tell you the truth.
Sleeping Beauty went into the room and came out and said, "Yes, the mirror said that I was the most beautiful in the world."
Tom Thumb went into the room and came out and said, "Yes, the mirror said that I was the smallest in the world."
Quasimodo went into the room and stormed back and yelled, "Who the fuck is Julia Gillard?"