Ziggy Zapata Title

LIMERICKS

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A GREAT IRISH ART FORM

There was a young woman named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light
She set out one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night

There once was a man from Kanass
Whose nuts were made out of brass
In stormy weather
He'd clack them together
And lightning shot out of his ass

There once was a fellow McSweeney
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfriend a martini

There once was a man Robin Hood
Who lived in a Nottingham wood
He learned how to fuck
From old Friar Tuck
And made Marion whenever he could

There once was a fellow McDoole
Who found little red spots on his tool
His Doctor a cynic
Said get out of my clinic
And wipe off that lipstick, you fool

A pirate, history relates
Was scuffling with some of his mates
When he slipped on a cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates

There once was a woman named Jill
Who swallowed an exploding pill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her tits in a tree in Brazil

There once was a plumber from Lee
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea
She said Stop your plumbing
There's somebody coming
Said the plumber still plumbing - It's me

A randy marsupial named Reeves
Spent some time with the whores 'tween their knees
When they'd asked him for money
He'd say "Listen honey
A koala eats bushes and leaves."

Now down in the valley of Shneel
Lived a woman who loved to reveal
With her curtains well drawn
Standing bare as a fawn
She'd do this really neat trick with an eel

Now this right old man was a sick 'un
He had a dozen hens ripe for the pickin'
He'd chase 'em around
With his trousers pulled down
And he'd say "Whatsa matter, you chicken?"

Twas a crazy old man called O'Keefe
Who caused local farmers much grief
To their cows he would run
Cut their legs off for fun
And say "Look, I've invented ground beef!"

There once was a man from Havana
Screwed a girl on a player piano
At the height of their fever
Her ass hit the lever
And yes he has no banana

There once was a man from East Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent
To save her some trouble
He folded it double
And instead of coming, he went

There once was a man from Bonaire
Who was doing his wife on the stair
When the banister broke
He doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air

On a knoll a young maiden named Molly
Her innocence lost through young folly
His name was Sing Chum
And too soon he did cum
And all he could say was "I'm solly!"

A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit
"Does shit stick to your fur as a habit?"
"Of course not," said the hare,
"It's really quite rare!"
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

To his friend, Ned said, rather blue
"My wife Edith just told me we're through
For she says I'm too fat."
And his friend told him that
"You can't have your cake and Edith too"

There once was a girl named Tristan
Whose beer that she ordered was was pissed in
She said "I don't think"
As she spit out her drink
"On the menu that this one was listed"

I had me a wench from East Broint
Who bade me her skin to anoint
The girl had arthritis
And so I decided
She wouldn't mind one more stiff joint

There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
Said he with a grin as he tickled his chin
If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it

There was a girl from St Horton
Who had one long tit
And one short 'un,
Not only that
A big hairy twat
And a fart like a 500 Norton

There was a young girl called Gluck
Who went down to the river to swim
A man in a punt
Stuck his pole in her eye
And now she has to wear glasses

There was a young girl called Ann Heuser
Who thought that nothing could surprise her
But Coors took a chance
Found a Schlitz in her pants
And now she is sadder Burdweiser

There was an old man from Kenthurst
Whose cock looked just like weisswurst
With his last dying breath
He choked it to death
And all of a sudden, it burst

An amoeba named Max and his brother
Were sharing a drink with each other
In the midst of their quaffing
They split themselves laughing
And each of them now is a mother

A magazine writer named Bing
Could make copy from most anything
But the copy he wrote
Of a ten-dollar note
Was so good he now lives in Sing Sing

There was a young girl from Rabat
Who had triplets: Nan, Pat, and Tat
It was fun in the breeding
but hell in the feeding
as she found she had no tit for Tat

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical
But the good ones I’ve seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical

While Titian was mixing rose madder
His model reclined on a ladder
The position to Titian
Suggested coition
So he ran up the ladder and had ’er

There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
Who took grain to the mill to get grist with
The miller’s sun, Jack
Laid her flat on her back
And united the organs they pissed with

There was a young lady from Norway
Who hung by her toes in a doorway
She said to her beau
Just look at me Joe
I think I’ve discovered one more way

There was a young man from Dundee
Who buggered an ape in a tree
The results were quite horrid
All arse and no forehead
Three balls and a purple goatee

I met a lewd nude in Bermuda
Who thought she was shrewd: I was shrewder
She thought it quite crude
To be wooed in the nude
I pursued her, subdued her and screwed her

There once was a young man named Cyril
Who was had in a wood by a squirrel
And he liked it so good
That he stayed in the wood
Just as long as the squirrel stayed virile

There was a young lady of Chichester
Who made all the saints in their niches stir
One morning at matins
Her breasts in white satin
Made the Bishop of Chichester’s britches stir

The thoughts of the rabbit on sex
Are seldom, if ever, complex
For a rabbit in need
Is a rabbit indeed
And does just as a person expects

The frequenters of our picture palaces
Have no use for psychoanalysis
And although Doctor Freud
Is distinctly annoyed
They cling to their old-fashioned fallacies