I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection.
But she did.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Fuck me, talk about Dyson with death.
A man called Emergency and said "I think my wife is dead."
The operator asked, "How do you know?"
The man replied, "The sex is the same, but the ironing is building up."
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said, "You're pulling my leg."
I spent $40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.
An old lady was being examined by the doctor.
He asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?"
She replied, "Yes and I've been table-ended and backscuttled a few times too."
I went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse.
Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife said to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
He replied, "What do you expect? You're in a bloody wheelchair."
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics.
They tested positive for WD40.
I was explaining to my wife that when you die you get reincarnated - but must come back as a different creature.
She said, "I would like to come back as a cow."
I replied, "You're obviously not fucking listening."
Under new EU law, the word "gyppo" is no longer politically correct.
They have to be called "caravan utilising nomadic travellers" or CUNTs. for short.
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.
It's called a wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said, "I love you."
She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied, "No, it’s me talking to the beer."
"Hi mate, I don't want you to panic, but I'm texting you from the hospital casualty.
"Turns out the new Electrolux Ball cleaner at the bowls club isn't what I thought it was."
During last night's high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, "We didn't even know they were living up there."
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf who got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low!
I had to have a blood transfusion the other day
All they had left was two pints of African blood and two pints of Pakistani blood.
It's not as bad as it sounds, though. Now I've got a 12 inch cock and I'm top of the housing list.
A blonde walked into a dry cleaners with a pair of stained white trousers and handed them over to the assistant.
The assistant said, "Thank you, come again".
The blonde replied, "Nah, toothpaste this time".
I sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead.
I realised she was just on standby.
I just fostered a Muslim kid.
All four cans hit him right on the back of the head.
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford, killing anyone who is English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 3.
Riots in the Muslim-settled area of Wythenshawe caused over $2 million worth of improvements.
I just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for black orphans.
I told him with my luck I'd probably win one.
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a blowjob.
I said, "Son, that's three schools this year. You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
I came home from work to find my son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear.
"What are you so happy about?" I asked.
"I just shagged the girl next door" he said proudly.
I said, "Well done son. I hope you were wearing something."
"Yeah" he replied. "A balaclava."
I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show.
Turns out I got it all wrong. The programme's called Fact Hunt.
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
I got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke.
Geez, all I'd said was "Golly, you're tall".
Last week this Lebanese Muslim from work and I decided to have a moustache and beard growing competition.
I still can't believe she won.
They've had to cancel the pantomime Jack And The Beanstalk in Birmingham, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester and Luton.
The giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
Years ago, they said "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But now all the doctors are Muslim.
No problem. A bacon sandwich works just as well.
What have fat chicks and mopeds got in common?
They're both fun to ride - until someone sees you on one.
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
Apparently, the correct answer is Africa.
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in London but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a moustache"
I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"
Next thing I know, 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”
One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Muslims and Aborigines is not the correct answer.
George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter. It's called "Oh, She's Eleven."
My wife told me I was no longer romantic, so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she's crap at snooker.
A biker went to the doctor with hearing problems.
"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
The biker replied, "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."
I don't what all the fuss is about this shark coming to Cornwall. It's the first thing in ages that's tried to get in this country that's white.
The BBC said that blacks and Asians aren't represented enough on TV, so they're putting on "Crime Watch" twice a week.
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Got an email today from a bored local housewife, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy bitch busy.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.
Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Bill woke up to find himself next to a really fat and horribly ugly woman.
That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner. It took her 5 hours to Hoover the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest, I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
A lad came home from school and excitedly told his dad that he was given a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.
The dad said, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."
I just had my water bill of $175 drop on my mat. That's a lot.
Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just $2 a month.
I think it's time to change my supplier.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate.
When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
An Irish boy was crying at the side of the road. A man asked him, "What is wrong?"
The boy sobbed, "Me ma is dead."
"Oh bejaysus" the man said, "Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?"
The boy replied, "No t'anks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment."
I walked past an Abo kid as I came out of the bank.
He looked at me and said "Any change, mate?"
I said, "Nope! You're still black."
My new Abo neighbour popped his head over the fence today and said, "Hey bro, what’s going down?”
I said, "The value of my fucking house you black prick!”
I found my dyslexic mate covering his dick with boot polish on the early hours of Sunday morning at the conclusion of daylight saving.
I said, "You idiot! You’re supposed to turn you clock back!”
My wife said to me, "If you cycle to work, we can get rid of the second car."
I replied, "If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!"
Got this text from my brother recently.
It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!"
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny. Spooky or what?
My wife is pissed off with me again.
I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. No sense of humour.
The Abo next door popped his head over the fence again and said, "I want you to kill my wife for me, I’ll pay you $10,000."
I accepted, telling him all it will take is one bullet, just below the left tit.
He looked at me and said, "I want her dead, not fucking knee-capped!"
Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird.
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.
"What you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken please".
She replied, "You're having soup, you fat bastard. I was talking to the cat."
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy.
He's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Lakemba.
I was in an Indian restaurant last night having a meal. The waiter came over and said, "Curry OK?"
I said, "Go on then, just one song then bugger off."
I sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouted, "That's just for starters!"
Firemen rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom machine.
They asked him what happened and he said, "Well, the sign says insert $2 and push knob in."
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that - 2:30am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
Paddy said, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.”
You shouldn't do that," replied Mick. “Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid - then I was petrified.
My wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there, I noticed four gravediggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later they were still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, "They've lost the plot."
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!
I thought to myself, "Blow this - I can get one cheaper off the web."
Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I think that it's a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw a parked NRMA van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said "English-speaking Taxi Driver."
I thought, "What a good idea. Why don't we have them in Australia?"
Jeff and Jim were Siamese twins joined at the hip.
They walked into a bar in New York and ordered a couple of beers.
The barman served them and asked, "Are you guys going on a vacation this year?"
"We're off to England next week" said Jeff. "We go every year."
The barman said, "England's great - the culture, history, the Queen."
Jeff replied "We don't go for that shit - it's the only chance Jim gets to drive the bloody car."
My girlfriend asked me how many women I've shagged.
I said, "I really don't want to answer that love, you know I've had a past and I don't want to upset you."
"Come on," she said, "I can handle it."
So I had to sit there and count them all, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you ... 10, 11, 12."
At a wedding reception, the DJ announced, "All the married men out there, go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living."
The barman was knocked out in the rush.
A New Zealand guy reported a dead woman lying in a field to the police.
They asked him: "How did you find her body?"
He said, "Her tits were good hey bro - but the rigor mortis had tightened her arse a bit too much for my liking."
My girlfriend was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out.
Finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly, do I look fat in this?"
I replied, "Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom."
Ten Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said "If any of you are paedophiles you can fuck off down to Hell"
Nine of them started to walk away when St Peter called out, "And take this deaf bastard with you."
A local Pakistani won $3 million on the lottery last week.
After sharing it between members of his family, they each walked away with $4.50.
My wife said to me last night, "If you turn the bedside lamp off, I'll take it up the arse."
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.
The son said to Dad, "I'm gay".
Dad looked at his other son and said, "What about you?"
The other son said, "Me too Dad".
Dad said, "Bugger me, doesn't anyone in this fucking family like pussy?"
The daughter said, "I do."
A Pakistani woman was sexually assaulted a month ago.
Police are still trying to find a motive.
The wife came out of the bathroom and said, "I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you?"
I said, "Yeah the fucking plug hole is blocked again."
In the pub the other day, I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Answer. Throw in your washing.
We were all having a good old laugh about this except for this big bastard.
He said, "I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits".
I said, "Sorry mate did he drown?"
"No," he said, "He choked on a sock".
Just had a parcel from Holland. It was a rubber fanny.
"That's nice," I thought, "Two lips from Amsterdam."
My dad worked for the roadworks for twenty years before he got fired for stealing.
At first I didn't believe it, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
My new girlfriend said it would be at least six months before she'd consider sucking my cock.
I told her I fully understood and respected her decision.
I said I'd give her a call the day before the six months were up.
Kids know far too much these days. Today in the doctor's waiting room, a little girl had her Barbie and Ken dolls imitating the doggy position.
I told her, "If you keep doing that, you'll end up with lots of little baby dolls."
She replied, "I don't think so dickhead - he's doing her up the arse."
I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blowjobs and smoking weed.
She was known as oral high Jean.
A recent survey reported that three-quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.
My girlfriend says that a small penis won’t affect our relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all.
Everyone's a comedian nowadays. Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag.
He radioed dispatch and said, "It's Houston, we have a problem!"
This real good sort looked at my beer belly and sarcastically said, "Is that VB or Hahn?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath - taste it".
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.
"Really," she said. "Go on then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience.
She asked, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday".
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be over there with those good-looking chicks instead of talkiing to you."
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table.
I said to her, "Nice legs".
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely - most tables would have collapsed by now."
I got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly that I nearly fell in.
My girlfriend is really self-conscious about the amount of weight she has put on recently.
Yesterday she phoned me on her way home from work and said she was feeling depressed and asked if I could I run her a nice hot bath.
She arrived home to find the bath filled up about 2 inches.
"What is this?" she asked, "That's not full up."
"No," I said, "But it bloody will be when you get in it.
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia just so that they can see their own doctor.
I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller.
Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call number 69.
I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them - they said it would be just like winning the Lotto!
I agreed and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls.
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver.
The instructors at the skydiving centre said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
I was trying to get a jump on doing my taxes this year, however the ATO sent my tax return back. I guess it was because of my response to the line, which asked to "List All Dependants." So I replied:
½ million illegal immigrants,
¼ million crackheads,
2 million unemployable people living on welfare,
1 million people in over 123 prisons and
353 fools in Parliament.
Apparently, this was NOT acceptable, so I sent it back with a question - "Did I forget someone?"
Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels and I will lead you to the promised land."
Nearly 50 years ago in Britain, Harold Wilson said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses and light up a camel, this is the promised land."
Then Gordon Brown stole your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the promised land.
Now David Cameron has loaned my shovel to a third world country, (he hasn't realised yet that WE are now a third world country), raised my fuel bills, lent my money to a crowd of incompetent, greedy merchant bankers and increased VAT to 20%.
I was so depressed that last night I called Lifeline, but they diverted my call to a call centre in Pakistan.
When I told them that I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck!
I'm about to take part in the Great Lakemba Run.
It's not an official race. We just stand in the city centre and shout, "Allah is a Fuckwit" and then off we go.
Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman, it is considered sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man its $2.50 per minute (charges may vary).
If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it.
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.
It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought, sod it, I will soldier on.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV and stereo, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop."
"Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army. Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. Don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my sisters".
Well, she didn't put it quite like that.
She actually said, "Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."
Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed," he replied.
"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."
Mohammed returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammed?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammed. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin."
His mother cried, "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day, Mohammed returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.
"What happened to you, Kevin?" she asked.
He replied, "Well Miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two fucking Muslim Arabs."
An Australian Navy destroyer stopped four Muslims in a small boat, rowing towards Australia.
The captain grabbed the loudhailer and shouted, "Ahoy small craft, where are you heading?"
One of the Muslims stood up and shouted back, "We are invading Australia."
The crew of the destroyer all started laughing and when the captain finally stopped rolling around on the deck, he got back on the loudhailer.
The captain shouted, "Just the four of you?"
The Muslim stood up again and shouted back, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
A guy saw a Muslim with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. He exclaimed, "Hey, that's really incredible. Where did you get that?"
The parrot replied, "Christmas Island - there's a thousand of the fuckers there."
"IT'S A BOY!" I shouted, "A BOY. I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY!"
With tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel.
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
It is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour De France races, whilst on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frigging bike.
I just got scammed out of $25. I bought this Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes."
Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money!
The Irish newlyweds turned up at their hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite.
The receptionist asked, "Do you have reservations?"
The bride said "Well, I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse.
Paddy caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.
He put the gun to his head, looked at his wife and said, "Don't laugh, you're fucking next!!"
I went out last night dressed to kill - beard, sandals, turban and backpack.
The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my wife.
They asked, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes!"
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident."
I replied, "I know but she has a lovely personality."
An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:
3. Physical Disability
The prize-winner wrote: "My God," cried the Queen, "That one-legged coon is a poofter."
Police were called when a car full of explosives was discovered outside the Lakemba Mosque.
They took quick action to protect people on the street by pushing the car inside the mosque.
A Catholic boy in confession said, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous younger brothers."
I woke up this morning at 8am and could smell something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing.
I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered that McDonald’s serves breakfast until 10:30am.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night."
My missus packed my bags and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?"
A girl I know said that the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 metre final.
I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said, "Eight Muslim men and a gun."
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair; but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam and we're stoning her in the morning.
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.
She's 25 and her name's Kathy.
I went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "Paedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
The Muslim Red Crescent just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan.
I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
I know a Muslim whose name is Selim
I really love throwing tomatoes at him
Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin
But these fuckers do, because they're still in the tin
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe that it may be Pharaoh Roche.
My wife took off all her clothes and asked me, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
I looked her up and down and replied, "Your sense of humour."
An elderly couple were attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leaned over and said to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?"
He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
A boy asked his granny, "Have you seen my pills - they were labelled LSD?"
Granny replied, "Fuck the pills - have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
I bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night and it took me three hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.